POINT OF ENTRY

So.... it is Saturday the 1st of Oct..... 17 days until I will be hanging the work AND I am sitting in bed and 12:14pm with the electric blanket on and having a God dam break!! my shoulder is munted and the day is grey and windy....at some point I will draaaaaaaaag myself out of this blissfully warm bed and do some work but for this moment I WILL NOT!! haha

Only so many days to go and SO many things to do.... WILL I GET IT ALL DONE?.... YES.....I WILL!!

Well I believe I must tell myself this or I will not even come close, I guess I like the panic of it all and boy will I enjoy a bottle of bubbles on the night!!

TODAY I AM A PINEAPPLE LUMP!

Yes you heard me correctly!!

WHAT makes me an artist.... I feel happy that I have splashed some paint on a canvass and have painted a rabbit!!! but this is bollocks!! this does NOT make me an 'artist' ....others in my field would have completed 10 boards by lunchtime and I have painted a RABBIT... oh GOD!!!

Yesterday I made myself a schedule for the next 9 weeks and all of a sudden I feel like I know what I'm doing!! who would have known it could be that EASY!!

Writing a 'to do' list works, even one that is nine weeks long!!!

MORE OF THE DEMONS

Here I am sitting at this desk in the poolhouse and wondering what its all about and if there is any point??? I wish I could stay centered and focused but it is a hard and difficult journey in an artists world. WHY am I doing any of this? why dont I get a REAL job with a REAL weekly income and then I might feel like I contribute but instead I plod along with some belief that one day I will be discovered as some incredible hidden talent and everyone will want to buy my paintings and it will all have been worth the struggle and empty pay packets that never even existed each week.... its a permanent battle to keep going under these conditions and a game in my mind that I MUST play in order to keep going , even at the ridiculous pace that I work at.

This morning I told myself that I had taken 6 months off from my 'REAL' job so I could paint and how LUCKY I was to be able to do this!! All tricks trying to get my art mojo to happen and then what happens.... I splash some paint write some notes and then start falling into the pile of rubbish in my mind, a dark infested place of rotten thoughts of uselessness and being un worthy!!! what a waste full place, get me out of here and back to planet paint! I look at what I have done [created] so far and I feel like a fake! and yet I will look at other artists who belong to reputible gallerys and say to myself... 'why isnt my work in there???' ok enough self loathing...Im going back in....I can win...???????......