Here I am sitting at this desk in the poolhouse and wondering what its all about and if there is any point??? I wish I could stay centered and focused but it is a hard and difficult journey in an artists world. WHY am I doing any of this? why dont I get a REAL job with a REAL weekly income and then I might feel like I contribute but instead I plod along with some belief that one day I will be discovered as some incredible hidden talent and everyone will want to buy my paintings and it will all have been worth the struggle and empty pay packets that never even existed each week.... its a permanent battle to keep going under these conditions and a game in my mind that I MUST play in order to keep going , even at the ridiculous pace that I work at. This morning I told myself that I had taken 6 months off from my 'REAL' job so I could paint and how LUCKY I was to be able to do this!! All tricks trying to get my art mojo to happen and then what happens.... I splash some paint write some notes and then start falling into the pile of rubbish in my mind, a dark infested place of rotten thoughts of uselessness and being un worthy!!! what a waste full place, get me out of here and back to planet paint! I look at what I have done [created] so far and I feel like a fake! and yet I will look at other artists who belong to reputible gallerys and say to myself... 'why isnt my work in there???' ok enough self loathing...Im going back in....I can win...???????......
